#( IT SOS LATE IVE DONE IT AGAIN and now I will suffer at work but worth it okAY I HAVE TO GO )

[britneyshakespeare]

The reason charcoal is superior to graphite is because it's the more tactile medium. I mean when it comes to blending volume into shapes and feeling outlines it's literally hands-on (if you want it to be... and I do). If I go over with a graphite pencil an eye or a nose or a mouth or a forehead a million times, it looks like complete shit. If I do in with charcoal, it still looks like complete shit but it IS progress, AND it's more forgiving. The parts of it that look a mess will be more easily hidden once the technical details are figured out. So you can have a great start look like complete shit and have it not be at all discouraging, when holy crap if I made this mess on a piece of paper with graphite I'd be weeping about how hopeless it is.

I love drawing in charcoal because when you're in the beginning of a work, instead of looking like something reasonable it's perfectly acceptable and natural for them to look like this

[bubuli-3110]

Knead

______________________________________________________________

Characters: Deidara (Naruto) X Fem! Reader

CW: NSFW MDNI: Explicit sexual content, rubbing, unprotected sex, cum inside, oral, slightly public sex, modern era.

Synopsis: Deidara has this bad habit of coming home late from his art studio, so after putting up with it for almost three nights in a row, you decide to drag him home. not before he makes it up to you though.

Word count: 1.39k

(As of this post) Requests are: Open (JJBA, JJK, AOT, N (Akatsuki only for now), and KNY) Please Check the rules link first.

A/N: Ive been suffering from a sever case of Deidara brain rot recently so here is a drabble I quickly threw out becuase y e s. Hope yall enjoy and suffer with me. ;)

The second hand on the clock ticked away as you impatiently taped your nails on the table.

Late again.

This was far from a normal occurrence for your boyfriend Deidara to be late home, but this was the third time this week and it’s only Wednesday. By the time he usually comes home, you’re already fast asleep. Of course, you love him unconditionally and support his passion for art, but you’d also love to see and spend time with him occasionally.

Rising to your feet and grabbing your keys, you decide to go to the studio and get him. You’d drag him back if you had to. You were already in your sweatpants and loose T-shirt for bed but didn’t care.

When you arrived at the studio, no one was around except for the light in a lone studio which you knew was Deidara’s. Not surprising considering it was near 9pm.

You knocked on the door and said,

“Dei? I’m coming in.”

Inside the room, Deidara was in his usual spot, putting all his focus into the sculpture in front of him. It took a couple of seconds for him to look up and notice you.

“Y/N? Hm. I was just finishing up for the night.” He says.

The boy was covered in clay and glaze from head to toe. Your face fell into a frown, and you responded.

“Uhhuh, you always say that, then walk in at midnight.”

He gets up from his seat and wipes his hand on his towel. His hair was tied back in a messy bun, accompanied by some black glasses and his sweats. You always loved his slightly unkept look.

Deidara walks over to you, pushing up his glasses.

“Don’t be angry Y/N.” He says and pauses for a moment.

“How can I make it up to you?”

An intrusive and teasing thought ran across your mind, and you smiled slightly.

“Well~ since your always out so late, maybe I should make you pleasure me~?”

You looked up to your boyfriend, expecting to find a nervous blush across his face, but it was quite the opposite. Deidara was no prude or child by any means, but he was slightly shy, and an invitation such as this would usually have him an embarrassed mess, but he was looking down at you with lust filled eyes, grinning. This can only mean one thing,

He was thinking the same thing.

It was your turn to blush, before you could wave your hands and explain your teasing Deidara chimes in.

“You know, that’s not a bad idea, hm.”

Welp, now you’ve done it.

“Dei, I was just-” you start with a slight chuckle.

His arm quickly snaked around your waist pulling your bodies flush together. You could feel his already hard cock pressing against your lower stomach through his sweats. Your blush grew a deeper red and your heart picked up speed with anticipation.

“Careful what you ask for darling~”

You feel him nip at your earlobe and that elicited a gasp from your lips. Your arms slide under his and you rested your hands on his shoulders. This cued him to lift you and you then wrapped your legs around his waist.

Deidara took you over to the table where he was working and set you on the edge. He smirked down at you before leaning in and capturing your lips in a kiss. His lips were soft and plush. His tongue beckoned to be let into your mouth, and you happily obliged him. You held the edge of the table tightly and began to feel that pulse between your legs.

He pulled away gently and went down on his knees. Your face went red hot again as you thought about where that tongue of his was about to be next.

“Y/N think of this as my apology. Hm?”

His fingers latched onto the waistband of your sweatpants and panties. You lifted yourself slightly so he could pull them down and let them fall to the floor. He places hands on the inside of your thighs and pushes your legs open.

“Someone’s excited.” He smirks up at you after witnessing how wet you were already.

You blushed and frowned down at him for only a second before he pushed his long hair out of the way and his tongue made contact with your most sensitive flesh. Your grip on the table tightened and your toes curled. His tongue lapped at that bundle of nerves at quick pace while his thumbs kneaded your inner thighs in small circles.

You couldn’t suppress the moan that came and as it did, you saw the corner of his mouth turn up in approval. He removed one of his hands and picked up the pace. Using his tongue more quickly now, his free hand made its way to your clit and his thumb went to work.

You felt your climax fast approaching and with it, your hand went to rest on the back of his head. His combination of handwork and beautiful tongue sent your eyes rolling back and body seizing. Deidara pulled back to admire you as you road out your high and smiled, pleased with himself.

As your body finally relaxed, your blonde boyfriend got to his feet.

“All forgiven, hm?” He says licking his lips then kissing your forehead.

He started this and you were going to finish it.

“That’s for Monday, what about Tuesday?” You say smirking, letting your hand wander over that bulge still extending from his sweatpants.

Deidara nods, face twisted as if to say “fair.”

“Alright dear, message received.” He agrees.

You were all to eager. He had to deal with the aftermath of his actions now. You wanted him.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss, falling back onto the table. He leaned over you exploring your mouth once again. His hand pulls up your shirt to your chin, exposing your breasts and his hand grasps over one of them, causing you to moan into his mouth. You could tell he was getting needy too but he way he slowly became more antsy. You both sat up for just long enough for you pull down his sweats and boxers, exposing his hard cock. He then crawled up on top of the table over you. His tip grazing your entrance.

“Don’t tease now, please.” You say looking up at him.

“Only since you asked nicely.” He smiles before guiding his length inside you until he’s bottomed out.

He releases a low moan. That was nearly enough to make you cum then and there. Your legs wrap around his waist as he begins to move in a rhythm.

Bliss was the only way to describe the feeling. He filled you so completely and perfectly. His face was buried in your neck, grunting and panting against your skin. The heat of his breath causes you to shiver. Your fingers dug into his shoulders as his pace increased. Your whimpers are growing louder and louder.

“D-Dei.” You whined.

With his name falling from your lips, his thrusts became harder and deeper making your body tighten as he took you to your climax quickly.

“D-don’t stop-” you managed to get out before turning into a moaning mess, throwing your head back and trying your best not to squirm to no avail.

As your overstimulation closed down around him, it was his turn to turn into a mess. H released a deep moan again as he came into you, body tensing.

“F-fuck.” He said trying to catch his breath.

The two of you relaxed after a few moments and you looked up at your boyfriend smiling as you pushed his hair out of his face and behind his ear. He smiled back down at you, planting a soft kiss on your lips, before climbing off you and the table. The two of you fixed yourselves as best you could and put your clothes back on.

“Now is all forgiven?” He asks again, fixing his glasses.

“Hm, well I suppose, but you still owe me for tonight, we’re both filthy now, so we can shower up together when we get home.” You say with a giggle.

Deidara playfully rolls his eyes.

“That’s my muse for you.”

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞 (& i love your new icon!)

Thank you! Spooky Bobby my beloved!

81 for 🪞:

---

“That’s a good call,” Eddie nods.

“So, thanks for not brushing it off,” Buck says. 

“Why would I brush it off?” Eddie asks. “I do love her. She’s a sweetheart and she makes you so happy.”

Buck’s chest does that little fluttery thing it’s been doing more and more around Eddie lately. Like his body wants something his brain knows he can’t have. 

“Thank you,” he says, ignoring it.

Eddie nods. “Of course. Now, should we get set up?”

“Pumpkins and a fuck ton of newspaper are already on the table.”

▪️▪️▪️

Like a lot of days lately, it ends up being another one that feels close to perfect. 

Dove finds the gutting process of the pumpkin more thrilling than the actual carving, which is probably good, because only Eddie’s ends up looking very good. Buck is not a natural at this. They roast the seeds, and make them into a snack, which Buck is much more useful at. It’s all good fun, filled with laughter and once again, more photos than Buck realizes he’s taking. 

If the fourth chair at Buck’s kitchen table keeps glaring at him, he tries not to think too hard about it.

It’s the one thing in life that he really can’t do anything about. 

iv.

Bobby returning to the 118 only makes everything that much better for Buck. To be fair, he’d gotten the biggest break away from Gerrard by taking parental leave. So his suffering was interrupted, unlike everyone else. Especially Chim, who became Gerrard’s replacement go-to guy to scrub the crapper in Buck’s absence. 

But now Bobby is back and Gerrard is gone. Mara is back home with Hen and Karen. The morale at the 118 is significantly improved. Work is fun again. Just another part of his life that is settling into a sense of rightness. 

One morning, towards the end of a twenty-four hour shift, Carla brings Dove by the station. The same way she used to do with Christopher. Except, Chris never arrived red-faced and teary-eyed. Dove, in contrast, shows up completely miserable.

“Someone had a bit of a rough night,” Carla says when Buck meets them in the engine bay. “I think she needs her daddy.”

Buck has to stifle a visible reaction to the use of that word. He swallows back a thick, nervous sort of emotion, and crouches in front of Dove.

“What’s wrong, Dove?” He asks.

She doesn’t answer. Just reaches out her arms for him with a pretty devastating pout. He doesn’t think she’s really done anything like this, outside of that night of the fire, or when she was sick with the stomach flu. So something is wrong. 

Buck pulls her into his arms and lifts. As he hoists her up, straightening his body out to stand again, she tucks her head in between his collarbone and chin. Like she’s using him as a place to hide. Again, not really the way they usually hug.

“It’s all okay,” he tries to reassure her. Then he looks at Carla. “What happened?”

“Nightmares,” Carla explains. “A few over the course of the night. She’s tired.”

“Oh, sweetie,” he says. “I’m sorry. Nightmares are the worst.”

“I want you to come home,” she whines into his neck. 

Eesh. Well, he supposes there’s not long left in the shift. But he also isn’t sure if this is a great precedent to set. He doesn’t know the right thing to do. 

“Dove, honey,” Carla says. “He’ll come home soon. You get to see him now.”

Buck turns slightly to see Bobby watching them from the top of the mezzanine. He shoots him a questioning sort of look. A desperate sort of look. Bobby seems to understand. He gives Buck a sympathetic smile and nod. Buck exhales, relieved.

“Okay, Dove,” Buck says. “I can’t come home right now, but I do have another idea.”

“What is it?” She asks. 

“This is a really special idea,” he says. “Something that can only happen when it’s really important, okay?”

“Okay,” she mumbles. 

“I think if we ask my captain really nicely,” Buck says. “He’ll let you hang out here for the rest of my shift.”

“Really?” She asks. 

[mukuberry]

spill the beans.

ooooooooookey dokey boss, i dont have any pictures of them though :( just some pages in my phone notebook..... I'll do my best to summarise them!! i probably wont ever do any proper ocgram thingy with em so ill just spill their secrets hehe... theres 13/14 so ill put them under a cut!!

001! most of them dont have names yet lol i hate picking names 😔 but he's wonderful.... he's 11 and he's a lil silly ^^ he grew up with a single mother who began dating a very abusive man and then they both started abusing him, so he's extremely distrusting of adults. she got pregnant and he realised he needs to protect his siblings, but knows he cant hope to fight back against his parents, so instead he decides to secretly kill the baby after theyre born to prevent them for suffering. He's done this 3 times! He has alot of angelic imagery since he views himself as a saviour. Uhmmm OH his cover songs are Cosmic Rendezvous-> Psychogram-> Mirai Yo. Im not super happy with the picks tbh so they might change...

002! She's 43 and her first name is Yukino :) no last name yet.... she's based on a Kazui theory i saw when Cat came out that's definitely not true and was talked about in a pretty discriminatory way, so ive decided to steal the idea and make it better. She craves violence/abuse and has a gore kink, but has done her very best to repress those feelings and live a normal life, believing herself to be a monster for having these feelings and thoughts. She definitely has OCD. She has a daughter and had a husband, but abandoned them both after seeing her child do the same things she did as a child when her interest in violence started building, thinking that its her influence that caused it and that her child will be normal without her around. Also because if she's got no one tieing her down, she can maybe indulge in her fantasies instead of living a proper life. Her husband, not being able to handle the abandonment + knowledge that the one he loved was fantasing about him suffering the entire time + not being able to look after a child alone, takes his own life.... im not too happy with the murder tbh i might change it later......... she's great though i love her. Her cover songs are Hibana -> Animal -> Mosquito!

003! No name but he's baby. Actually he's 16 but to me he's baby. The first thing he does in milgram is demand a lawyer and tell the warden his murder was self defence (it wasnt). He forces all the other kids into doing his study club while they're in there... he's very 'proper' yknow. He's kinda like Nervous from the first novel if uve read it, went to middle school and became so anxious with being mistreated by his classmates and the adults that he tried to be perfect... and it worked! Until he entered high school, and there's this one girl in his class who is just slightly better than him..... so he pushes himself more and more, secretly hating her and himself for not being good enough. One day, late at night, she finds him on his own, at a pier. She tries to befriend him, since she's just like him, and wants to help him with his burdens and for them both to drop the perfect act...... unfortunately for her, he (again) hates her and cannot comprehend that someone could see through his act and would still love him, has a slight mental breakdown and beats her to death with debris near by, and dumps her body in the water. He gets to be perfect again yayyyyy ^_^ he's the most developed in terms of milgram routes, but I'll maybe talk about them another time.... his cover songs are Angel Hair-> Antibeat-> Theory Of Negativity

004! Kanae ♡ she's a complete hermit! A childhood schizophrenic (18 now) who was neglected by her family and outcasted at school, she's completely dependent on her psychosis, as it gives her companionship and purpose she doesn't have elsewhere. She's aware that she's schizophrenic, but has no intention of getting better. Upon entering milgram her psychosis has come to a (temporary) stop, so she spends most of her time in the prison with 010, since 10 (Kanami) never shuts up and is fine with Kanae not saying much in return. She can't stand silence. She had a younger sister (10ish?) who she was expected to look after since her parents aren't home much, however considering her mental state she can't really look after a child... so after not being fed in awhile, said child tries to make herself food! Only for Kanae to leave her room for the first time in days and finding her sister dead from accidentally poisoning herself;; oops! Her cover songs are Nocturnal Kids -> Liar Dance -> MKDR

005! Probably my favourite ♡ he's one of 3 explicitly queer characters, canonically being in love with his victim and being trans-coded... not explicitly trans but damn can u read his story as a trans story!! He's 17, popular, pretty, rich, has a loving family, his grades aren't perfect but they're still good, and he's genuinely pretty nice to people... he's living his best life! He doesn't know why he's in milgram, he hasn't killed anyone, he swears! A kid went missing in his class sure, but they weren't close, he knows literally nothing about that! Atleast thats what he says ^_^ teehee.... i wanna keep his murder a secret its more fun that way... he's probably the 3rd most unforgivable person in here :) his cover songs are Cinderella-> Secret Feast-> Ghost Rule

006! Haruki :) a lil shy but really nice! She's 28, but when she tells people they don't believe her since she acts kinda childish... she's also a system! But she thinks she's a spirit medium since she keeps introjecting dead people... her system has 6 alters in total, maybe 7 depending on what happens in the prison... but the story only really focuses on 4/5 of them. She lives in a shitty apartment and mostly lives of the money her grandmother sends because she can't hold a job (she tries her best!), her victim is her closest (and only) friend, they met a few years back at an old job and have been inseparable since.... they spend most of their time together. This friend however has lived a very difficult life and struggles alot with suicidal thoughts, basically only staying alive for her sake. She's learned to not tell people about how she's basically 'possessed by ghosts' after growing up being treated like a freak for it, but watching his mental state get worse and hearing him talk about how he wants everything to stop, she decides to tell him the truth. Both because he's important to her and wants him to know this very personal thing about her, and because it's basically like saying "hey when you die you don't actually stop existing, so you should just stay alive 😁". Unfortunately, he hears this and thinks "wow if i die i get to be a part of my favourite person 24/7???? hell yeah" so he convinces her to help him kill himself ^^ she refuses at first, but eventually gives in and watches him get hit by a train. And thus, she gains another alter...... her cover songs are Two Breaths Walking -> Zombies -> Undead Alice!

007! He's a bastard. He's sarcastic, blunt, rude and thinks everything sucks forever. He's 24. He's also based on a kazui theory! Mine from t1 thats definitely no longer canon... so ive taken it and made it much worse!! But from an outsiders POV it looks more like fuuta's story, with it being centred on toxic online groups,, he lived a very normal and good life! He was popular in school, graduated with top marks, went to a good college, graduated, went to a good uni, graduated, got into a good job, got a girlfriend- and surely he'll marry her and have kids and move into a big house and watch his kids grow up and die. That's what he's been told to do, that's what everyone does! Except for some reason he can't comprend, he feels completely dead inside. Theres a ball of dread in his chest and its building everyday until he can't ignore it. Everything feels empty and numb outside of this feeling. So he looks for answers, and while he doesn't find any, what he does find is a group of people on social media who feel exactly like he does. They don't try to lie and say everything's fine and that he needs to just power through, everything sucks and they're the only ones admitting it. They don't encourage eachother to get better, they help eachother get worse, because life is terrible so why shouldn't you just do what you want? And 007 gets sucked in completely. He quits his job, cuts off his girlfriend and friends, and moves back in with his parents, to their dismay. That was 6ish months ago. He's obsessed with social media and will do anything to feel alive in this terrible world. So, of course, when one of his online friends tells him she wants to die, why wouldn't he wish her luck? Life is terrible, he's kinda jealous that she can actually do it while he can't. And then he wakes up in the milgram prison ^_^ his cover songs are Chimera-> Otome Dissection-> Rabbit Hole!

008! She's even worse ♡ actually when writing this i kinda had a better idea for her story, but since its just came to my head I'll have to think on it a lil more.... uhm for now though she's 32 and also thinks life sucks but she's (kinda) over it now. She's used to being at the bottom of society but takes out her feelings by looking down on people even lower than her. Until i figure her out more thats all i can say TT her cover songs are Psuedo-hope Syndrome -> Delusion Tax -> Mono Poisoner!

009! Taisei Furukawa... he's the second one i made so he has a full name yay :] he's my second canonically queer character, he's gay and has had one boyfriend basically his entire life! They met as kids in the same elementary school, his bf came from a very shitty family and Taisei was the first person to treat him kindly and stick by his side no matter what. Unfortunately, his boyfriend kinda sucks, and is lowkey highkey abusive, isolating Taisei from everyone so they both only have eachother. Taisei only realises just how much his boyfriend had ruined his life at 25, and he's pissed ^_^ he knows he can't just break up with him, his boyfriend definitely won't let that happen, and he has no one to turn to for help. So the logical thing here to do is to turn the tables on his bf and try to convince him into a double suicide. Taisei doesn't have much desire to live after being worn down for so long, and he needs to make sure his bf won't just find and abuse someone else once he's gone, so a double suicide is the best option. Sure, he could do a murder homocide, but after how long he's suffered, he kinda wants his bf to feel how he feels... and it works :) the both jump of their apartment building, his boyfriend dies and Taisei wakes up in the milgram jail with a fucked up leg, needing crutches to walk. He's kinda antisocial and grumpy in t1 for understandable reasons (though he helps the kids with the study group at times), but if he's forgiven he becomes alot warmer and friendlier :) there's alot of art symbolism in his story... his cover songs are Turret Of Justice-> 118-> Shinkai Summit!

010! Kanami Shimizu!!!!!!!!! The girlie ever!!!! And the 3rd and final canonically queer character, she's a trans lesbian. She's 23 and so full of life and love and she's so so kind and energetic and kinda annoying but she's just so happy to be in jail with everyone!!!!!!!! She's the first one i made... however i kinda scrapped her murder awhile back since i didn't like it, but i don't have a new one yet :( but whatever her murder is, her personality and ideals remain the same! She's been hurt alot in life, and when she looks around she realises that everyone is the same. She can't live in the real world, it'd crush her, she knows this, so she wants to make a paradise where everyone can be happy forever... and milgram is the perfect place for it!!! So you have to forgive everyone for her ok ^_^ if you don't she won't forgive you. She won't let you ruin this for everyone. Her cover songs are Home -> Please Show Me -> Hedgehog!!

011.... doesn't exist!!! Not anymore i killed him sorry. I didn't like his story that much, but I'm too commited to following the og milgrams male/female prisoner pairings to just leave it at 11 prisoners, so I'll just wait for a new guy to appear in my mind.........................

012! She's 12! No name! My most recent one (except for the former 011 rest in peace). She's being a nuisance for everyone in the prison, she has alot of rage and she will make sure everyone hears it!!!!! She's friends with 001 and she tolerates Taisei but everyone else is her enemy and she WILL fight them if they cross her, which would be scary if she wasn't like 5ft. Her murder is just teenage rebellion went a lil too far........ she doesn't fit in at her new school and acts out, but all the adults in her life don't really get involved, just saying it's a phase she'll grow out of. This only makes her act out more, and more, and more, until it gets out of hand and someone dies. She didn't want any of that to happen, but in milgram she insists she's happy about it and is very very evil and scary so you should listen to her before she kills you as well. She has alot of animal (specifically bear) imagery :) her cover songs are Parasite -> Aitai-lians -> Lonely Shit!

The warden! Our beloved Es he's such a loser. He enters the prison not really taking any of this seriously, and does his best to be as annoying as possible to everyone, he's convinced he's the biggest freak here and he will prove it. Unfortunately for him he is definitely not the biggest freak here and by the start of the second trial he's learned this the hard way. He's an efficient warden despite everything, knowing what to say to rile the prisoners up so they spill information, however he quickly starts losing control of everything and it's kinda pitiful....... his cover song is Salamander!

Jackalope! She fucking hates the warden ^_^ she's secretly a lil fond of him but she'd never admit it. She's very no-nonsense and constantly lectures him to do his job properly, and usually ends up cleaning up after him.... she's not a very good Jackalope, she gets attached to everyone too easily, even if she pretends to be aloof. Jackas dont have cover songs, very very sad....

Mmmmmmmm thats everything!! That was alot more than i thought i wont blame u if u dont read everything.... was fun to infodump about though, thanks for asking lol. Im gonna screenshot everything i just wrote incase tumblr eats it like it did last time,,

[zukosdualdao]

Im glad to read the takes of a fellow zuko stan :)

Honestly, it feels like people just hate on him way too much lately. The posts ive seen on twitter, on tik tok, on tumblr... Do people just not like him anymore? Why did everyone turn against him so suddenly? I've been hoping it's something temporary, just a trend, but. I don't know anymore. People mock his disability, spit on his trauma, wish death on him and interpret everything he says or does in the worst possible way. I saw someone crying about how entitled he was because he took aang's seat when watching the play just the other day lmao. Another person wrote about how mysoginistic he was because he didn't remember katara's name when asking about kya's death to sokka? There are those who even call him a colonizer on the same level as iroh lmao. It seems their justifications for all the salt they throw his way are along the lines of "he's been loved for too long, aang stans have suffered way more, people just watched the show again and realized how bad he actually was, he's catching strays since his fans keep setting him up, his fans paint him as perfect and erase every bad thing he's done" etc etc. I'm all for criticism and deeper character analysis, but this is just said in bad faith. I also think it has a bit to do with how different engagement has become in fandom spaces recently (things people support in fiction need to be morally correct) and well, zuko was the perfect target. He's done bad things, sides with the villains for a good portion of the series, redeems himself but there are things he still has to work on... I don't know, it's been getting to me. There are many other harsh things ive read said about him (like implying how every single member of the gaang hates even after redeeming himself), but i honestly don't have the energy to delve into each and every one. His arc was poorly executed and his development was badly written now, apparently. I kind of just ranted here, i apologize. Im very happy to read the posts of someone who genuinely likes him and doesnt throw him under the bus to defend or elevate other characters...

hi! i'm glad you're enjoying my blog <3 and no need to apologize for the rant, i'm always happy to talk about zuko!

about to theorize a bit as to why it seems like maybe zuko has become a more contentious character, but it should be noted i have not been exceptionally, actively involved in the fandom very long. i loved atla as a kid, have retained fond memories, have witnessed some discourse from the fringes over the years, but only recently has it overtaken my brain to the point of making a whole blog about it. lol. so, like, grain of salt, etc.

i think a big part of it is what you said - in the last few years of fandom in particular, it feels like there has been a huge upswing in purity culture, moralizing liking/not liking certain ships or characters, and an overall increase in very black-and-white thinking. there's also an emphasis on "holding people accountable" (good in theory), often without specifying what, exactly, that looks like (less good). the idea then becomes that if you've done harmful things, there's no way you can ever make up for them and should just, like, hate yourself for all eternity and also die, probably, which is not actually helpful to anyone.

so, i think for those who ascribe to that mindset, zuko is a prime candidate for them to criticize. and while there's nothing wrong with criticizing a character or their arc or writing if you truly have a problem with it, as you've said, a lot of the time, criticisms against zuko don't seem to be made in very good faith. after all, a big part of zuko's arc is having to unlearn some very black-and-white thinking. also, zuko is not a real person. he is a character, and therefore a narrative tool, and if we want him to be 'held accountable', we need look no further than the story itself, in which he is probably the character the narrative holds the most accountable for his actions due to his prior status as a villain.

(it reminds me a bit, actually, of another favorite character of mine: alec in the tv series shadowhunters. he starts out the story already in a heroic role, unlike zuko, but a big part of his narrative is unlearning some prejudiced cultural mindsets and challenging not only his previous ideologies, but his conception of himself and the people in his life as well. as a result, alec can look sometimes more obviously flawed than the other main cast, but the point is that the narrative asks him to examine those flaws and change and introspect and grow in a way that it doesn't always ask of other characters when they are showcasing their own flaws. which does make me thing about zuko vs. aang in the atla narrative.)

the other thing i think is contributing to zuko's more contentious status in the fandom is how long atla's been in the cultural consciousness, and how common it is for things that used to be popular to cycle through to people starting to criticize or actively hate it to people saying "no, actually, it's still pretty good, you just don't want to like a popular thing" (this is me rn), to maybe eventually getting popular again/at least in certain subsects of the audience. zuko was probably one of the most talked-about aspects of atla for a long time, and while i can understand how that could get frustrating (because there are some other really great characters and aspects of the story!), that's not, like, for no reason. people connected with and admired his story for a reason, and many still do, and (in my humble opinion) that is because it is one of the most thought-out, intentional, and nuanced character arcs of the show.

the ableism, i think, really gets to me because like... even if every criticism from the people who hate him were 100% accurate and said in good faith (they're not, but let's pretend for a minute)... that still wouldn't be an excuse for ableism against a character with a prominent facial difference (or making fun of abuse survivors for the permanent injuries they sustain from abuse.) if zuko had never redeemed himself and stayed a villain, it would still be wrong to talk about his scar and abuse the way some of his detractors do. and the show agrees with me! you know how i know? the only two characters to ever make fun of zuko's scar are villains in the narrative: zhao and azula. ("make fun of" might not be quite right for zhao, since what he said - "you have the scar to prove it" - is far more matter-of-fact than azula imitating him by covering her eye or "make sure they get your good side", but he's absolutely being a huge jerk about it.) other characters react to zuko's scar in all sorts of different ways, even when he's still in a villain/antagonist/anti-hero role: zuko's crew is horrified to learn how he got the scar, song sees a point of connection and tries to reach out to him, but, while i think well-intentioned, she breaks a major boundary by trying to touch his scar when he hasn't conveyed he's okay with that, jet makes assumptions about his background because of it, lee, the kid from zuko alone, asks with curious, childish naivete how he got it, only for his father to reprimand him for asking, aang reacts with annoyance/boredom to azula's ableist joke, and katara trips over her words to correct him when zuko thinks she's essentially calling him "scary to look at". not all of these interactions are positive, but the characters (all of whom are written as pretty sympathetic, even if also flawed) aren't outright trying to make fun of him for it, and the narrative never implies he deserves to be treated as less than because of it, even before his redemption.

anyway. if people don't believe in characters' (and, hell, irl people's) capacity for growth and change and don't want to have nuanced discussions about how trauma can impact these things, i mean... that's their prerogative, but i don't understand why they enjoy the show, because those are big parts of it (and not just wrt zuko.)

i know it can be frustrating, anon— trust me, i get very frustrated. but i promise you, there are plenty of people out there who a) still love zuko and his story and b) are capable of and willing to talk about things with nuance and in good faith. i'm happy to be part of that corner of fandom, and i bet you can manage to carve out a space where more people like that exist, too! <3

[insipid-drivel]

Your follow-up to the horse info post is just as good as the first one, and I offer a sincere thanks because those sorts of posts take forever, and are a lot of work.

But the reason I’m sending this is because of the joy of seeing the horsey prosthetics. I was aware that injury didn’t and doesn’t mean instant euthanasia, but I didn’t know what advances had been made and it’s a lovely thing to be able to help a friend live their best life.

For instances where euthanasia is the only course of action, would that be something like a horse has sustained a break that has gone septic in a time prior to antibiotics? So the horse would likely die anyway and it would be more humane to put it down than to let nature run its course, I’m thinking. Or is that completely wrong?

Thanks again for all of the hard work you put into these posts and answers!

Eugh, infections are a really horrible and scary part of horse health crisis management, because they can be very touch-and-go depending on where the actual infection is and how early it's treated with antibiotics. Once sepsis has taken hold, there usually isn't a lot modern medicine can do but try to provide comfort measures through medications, and pump the horse with large-bore doses of IV antibiotics, stress-reducing medications to keep them from panicking and their bodies from working too hard, and fluids while hoping the immune system is still strong enough to put the antibiotics to use and win against a case of sepsis. Sometimes, the bacterial load in the body is just too much or the infection has caused irreparable damage to a critical organ like the heart, and there isn't any other way to show the animal mercy but to euthanize. Most cases of sepsis, before death, result in a comatose state before the body completely shuts down from multiple organ failure, and it's an extremely miserable way to die. So yes, when euthanasia is discussed with horses, it's primarily when there is nothing else that can be done to make the horse's quality of life better while its suffering is only going to get worse (usually resulting in death) regardless of veterinary science or a limitless budget.

The problem with antibiotics in general is that they take time to work. If you've ever been miserable from something like a UTI or a chest infection, you know waiting 2-3 days for oral antibiotics to fully kick in sucks (IV antibiotics tend to work much faster, but still take a bit of time to reach full potency), because the infection is still there and causing intense pain and discomfort. The reason it takes so long is because antibiotics stimulate an immune system into going ham on an infection and destroying it. If there isn't enough time, or the immune system is already shot, then antibiotics may not be enough. End-stage or late-stage sepsis in pretty much any mammal is pretty much gonna be deadly, because sepsis is commonly called "blood poisoning" and kills by causing multiple essential organs to stop working in rapid succession - brain, heart, liver, lungs, etc. - like fairy lights on a string going out one by one after the first light fails. "Too far gone" happens, and that's when euthanasia becomes an open subject, because there's nothing left to anticipate for the animal but more suffering before they're going to die of their infection/injury.

Good vets will ALWAYS try to fight until the bitter end to provide options and other forms of intervention in saving an animal's life from disease or injury, but they also are specifically trained to know when a situation is just too beyond what they're capable of addressing and when continuing to try to treat an animal is only going to prolong its suffering before it inevitably succumbs to death. That's why prosthetics are becoming a thing for horses now! The cost of 3D printers have been going down, more designs for prosthetics are being published, and better materials are being employed for optimal horse comfort and recovery. Most injuries that result in a disabled leg in horses are caught and treated rapidly by owners and vet teams with no serious infections setting in, and so the main reason euthanasia has been employed for leg breaks and cases of amputation was more for preventing the horse from suffering without a mobility aid or prosthetic. Now, humans are catching up and figuring out what materials and structural designs work best in prostheses for horses, and we're seeing a huge increase in cases of horses surviving and living long, happy lives even after losing a leg!

[thegeminisage]

i don't know how i'm supposed to simply do a tng update when there was SPOCK but obviously last night (tonight as i type this, but it's late, so this post is going up while i'm at work) we watched unification part i & part ii

tng update:

🌈SPOCK🌈

okay, i'm normal again

part i: BITTERLY disappointed that all we got out of this episode spockwise was one blurry photo and him coming in right at the end. i had a feeling they'd do that. i guess now i have to talk about the nonimportant nonspock parts of this episode 🥱

ive decided i hate sarek's new wife. what business is it of hers if spock objects to sarek in public? if sarek didn't have a problem with it why make one? evil stepmother fr. why did sarek marry another human anyway does he have a fucking fetish or something...at least she was too old to get knocked up. i was reading about ages on the wiki today and amanda was only TWENTY YEARS OLD when she had spock. sarek would have been 65. i know vulcans age way different so it's not as creepy but STILL. girl, wait until you are old enough to drink

speaking of sarek...i went back and forth feeling terrible for him and wanting to attack him with my bare hands. under one hand he is on his deathbed and obviously very ill and miserable and suffering deep regrets over past mistakes and it's hard not to have sympathy...on the other, maybe if you wanted less deathbed regrets about your relationship with spock YOU SHOULD HAVE TREATED HIM BETTER! bitch.

also, whatever he and picard had going on was homoerotic. "we're part of each other" why do they talk about the mind meld that way in tng and not in tos. why did picard feel up sarek's hand on his deathbed the second his wife looked away. hes got a history of homewrecking since he (i know) had his affair baby wesley with beverly. so Whats Going On

picard forcefully obtaining the klingon ship. i LOVE when he gets to be a bitch

ROMULAN RACEFAKING??? a proud star trek tradition at this point i guess but it was truly awful to behold. DEEPLY disappointed sela did not later lick the paint off his ears as the klingons implied she would. smh

i like also how riker blew up that whole ship and nobody batted an eyelash. he really can just do whatever

part ii: SPOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the first time i cried was when spock himself came onscreen at the end of part i. then just as soon as i collected myself he mentioned jim kirk twice in the space of 30 seconds and i lost it again. we are literally bridging the gap between tos spock and spock prime from aos rn and i Dont like it.

Very Sad his dad kicked it before they could reconcile. but i saw his microexpressions when picard delivered the news. i missed them more than you can possibly imagine

i did love though that he started viewing picard as like a proxy sarek. imagine having daddy issues with a guy who is 75 years younger than you. lowkey they also had a little homoeroticism happening. "cowboy diplomacy" sure whatever

riker and the four-armed pianist 10/10 i hope they fucked. i'm so glad we wont he riker roulette and it wasn't creepy. also only riker could successfully flirt with a women after killing her husband in a spaceship battle <3

i'm a little iffy on spock's uhhh whole deal in this episode. he's lik yeah i chose the vulcan way of life these romulans are gonna have way better lives after their vulcan enlightenment but meanwhile he's criticizing sarek for his obsession with logic to the exclusion of all emotion (which is what he decided in tmp, that you need both) and also the vulcan way of life has done huge damage to his relationship with his father as well. so which is it?? idk, maybe he's not doing well because of sarek dying and all but he seemed like he was in a very "im not willing to acknowledge that i have emotions because rn theyre causing me pain" sort of mood. buddy :(

then again, it IS a tng script. we can only expect so much. it wasn't so inconsistent that it took me out of the episode but it did bother me a little because i just don't understand why he's willing to devote the rest of his life to this cause...he seemed to imply he had emotional reasons but what were they?? we will quite literally never know.

what's wack to me also is that in nineteen years romulus is gonna be GONE. like it's just going to be gone. eaten up by the sun or whatever. if someone had a baby right now on romulus that baby would not be old enough to drink before the sun swallowed them. so everything spock is doing is for nothing.

sela in this episode was really funny. "i hate vulcans." so true queen. i mean i don't care about her at all but that was hilarious

data doing the vulcan nerve pinch!!!!!!! that was so fun. i don't think it requires telepathy to do, just super strength, but i guess if you do then that makes no sense. it made me happy though.

the end when spock melded with picard to quasi-meld with his father and almost wept was me crying for the third time...i couldn't stand seeing him cry!!!!!! i can't believe sarek really just died without ever reconciling with him but i kind of like it better this way bc what sarek did was his own fault not spock's. so spock got closure and sarek. didn't. rip dude

okay. this concludes. the SPOCK UPDATE. tonight: a matter of time. and TOMORROW........the undiscovered country. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[talesofmetalandmagic]

BadThingsHappenBingo – Episode IV

Fandom: League of Legends (Shurima)

Characters: Emperor Omah Azir, Xerath (+ extras)

Prompt: Corporal Punishment

Synopsis: Azir's ordeal starts at last – and the more he fights, the more pain comes. How Imperial can you be in such a state?

@badthingshappenbingo

He realized that he wouldn't even pass that test when he lay down.

An emperor cannot sleep on the ground, thrown on the stones like a dog. He forced himself to remain seated for at least three portions of the meal: since he can't see, with his eyes still seeled, he only has those to understand how time passes. After the fourth, or maybe it was the fifth, the pain in his legs was such that it left him breathless with every breath. I'm doing it to survive, he'd told himself as he crouched down. Some have done worse. The days with sealed eyes fold back on themselves, curl up and loosen: Azir feels like suffocating, inside a bottomless pit. Sometimes he is so furious, he'd like to tear apart everything that surrounds him: the walls of that cell, the door and the bars, the whole quarry in which they have confined him, and finally the stitches on his eyelids to be able to see the fruit of the his work and bask in the imperial strength he still has. Other times, more and more meal after meal, he's so tired that he can't move: he lies on his back or on his side, lying inside that cell that he can't see. However things go, Azir is tired: and the day when he welcomes the opening of the door with his heart in his throat and a thank you on his tongue comes too early and too late at once.

-Xerath.- he hasn't spoken for days, his tone is so dry that he doesn't seem alive.

-Xerath, don't go away. I'll do as you want, I'll make you happy. Get these threads out of my eyes and tell me what I have to do to leave me alone.-

-Stupid Azir.- he had replied. He had summoned all his self-control of him, clinging to a thin thread that he hardly feels anymore, in order not to break the promise of a moment before him and jump at his throat like a furious cat.

-You could have stopped suffering a long time ago if only you weren't so arrogant. But we will take it away from you, even that pride of yours. For now, come: I'll loosen your stitches. In a few days you'll be out, and you'll start working.-

-What does it mean? Work at what?- He had screamed until his throat ached, coughing so hard it pulled at the stitches in his eyes. They cannot expect an Emperor to work: it would be an insult to his inheritance. But they're going to take his stitches away, and right now that's all he needs. He will see Shurima again. It can't go wrong with that thought in mind.

Finally, seven feasts later, they untie the threads from his eyes once and for all.

Azir blinks several times, heart pounding, scrutinizing his trembling fingers. It's me, it's really me. He will be better, now. He doesn't even have time to look around: they are already calling him out, leading him through the corridors and under a stone portico on the edge of the quarry. As he climbs the stairs he wonders how much more of him will remain when they're done. They make him sit in a wooden tub, without even a sheet. He has to wash himself, as if he were some farmer, with soap so greasy it leaves him itching and in water so slimy that he's probably dirtier afterwards than before. There must be sand in the basins they pour on his head. When he stands up his buttocks, back and feet are speckled with splinters. To dry themselves they throw a jute cloth over him, rough as a hair shirt: Azir dabs on it with small touches, without rubbing, but his rubbed skin still burns with each contact.

-Hurry up,- Xerath growls in five different voices. His new dress is a mud-colored tunic, a rough square and so short on the thighs that it looks indecent, made of a material that is perhaps scrap cotton and perhaps half-carded goatskin. He doesn't even have a belt to keep him on. A floppy hood of the same material hangs over his shoulder blades. Azir would like to tear it apart and throw it in the faces of each of those bastards, but a naked Emperor cannot stand.

He climbs the stairs tense as a spear, yet again cuffed hands and feet, on legs now too trembling to even think about running away. At the top of the quarry, among the dusty remains of winches and scaffolding, Xerath sits on a throne of sandstone boulders, sprawling legs propped together. Two hands grab the hood on his back and pull it over his head, almost up to his eyes. -How dare you lay your hands on me?- Azir spreads his shoulders, extending his arms until the handcuffs scratch against his bound wrists. He can't take that thing off if he can't touch it, with his hands firmly held on his back, but he can show that bum how to treat an Emperor. Xerath's metal hand brushes against his cheek and grips his chin with his nails.

-You will cover your head before your Lord!-

He lets it go, floating back to that throne-like spot – and let's make him happy, Azir thinks. Wearing that rag is humiliating bareheaded or covered. The humiliation is elsewhere, and an itch of panic creeps into his stomach.

-My…- he can't truly dare to say it. He begged for him once, but even an enemy can be begged to. Now, that bastard is asking for much more. - Oh, Xerath. You must be crazy.-

-And yet, my sweet,- Xerath chuckles, -I am perfectly lucid. A unique life lesson in the world awaits you. It won't be pleasant… for you, at least, because it will bring me endless joy. It is necessary that you suffer, that you suffer every day, that you feel ashamed of your name and of your every feather. You will be humbled, and it will be right.-

-Cut it short and tell me what you want. Do you want money, do you want an army, do you want me to fight for you?-

Azir has raised his voice, and for a moment he sees Xerath glow with a warm glow. Absurd: he should know how the Emperor of Shurima speaks.

-I'm an Ascended like you. Indeed, more than you. I deserve my tribute, and it is right that you give it to me, creator of all my misery. I want you to build a temple for me. A complete temple, down to the last column. You will build it yourself and according to my design, toiling in the same place where my father lost his life in the indifference of all. When that temple is completed, and not before, I will let you go.-

Azir closes his eyes, so hard at first that the stitches burn again; he wants to think, but his head hurts too much to concentrate enough. His first instinct is to thank the Sun Disc, because he really can't take any more torture and anything that can end that confinement will be welcome. But there is a different threat, in what Xerath asks: a pain that an emperor should not know, much less an Ascended.

-Do you want to shame me?- He spits out those words like a bitter pill, and it would be wonderful if he could take Xerath in the face and let him know what he thinks. If he too accepts it will take him months, maybe years… there was a temple to the East that had been started before he was born, and that was left incomplete even at the time of his fall. And this temple, Xerath would have him build it all himself.

-Poor little Azir, he is afraid of dusting his feathers. But if you don't like it, I'll take you back there. You know I would: we can lock you in the ground again, sew up your eyes again, and all your other orifices. Six months will do you good.-

Azir hates, and he would like to slap, the shiver that runs through him. -No. Alright it is, miserable bastard. I will build a temple for you, but make sure I leave.-

-This is a promise, Azir. I keep them, unlike you. When we're done, I'll get you out of here.-

Azir drops his head, that ridiculous cowl brushing the top of his beak. He closes his eyes, because he's so tired he could fall asleep on his feet, and swallows all of his venom. He can feel the gaze of father and mother on his neck: his failed son, the destroyer of empire. At least, they would certainly say, you'll build something this time around.

-Open your eyes, Azir.- He has so much pain in the stitches that it blurs every time he breathes, but he wouldn't ask even if he knew Xerath could hear him. Honey is what goes eye infections.

-Listen to me carefully, because you have no escape. From sunrise to sunset you will work on my temple. You will carve the stone, you will carry it with your own hand to the plain, you will arrange it and you will finish it, mixing the clay with the sweat of your brow. There are other things you will need to know. You'll learn them along the way, and stupid as you are I can imagine how long it will take. But there's one thing you won't have to worry about: your imperial pride. Because from now on, in my hands, you are no longer emperor of anything.-

Until I can free myself, Azir thinks. Or until someone finds me… Nasus will be turning over every dune to find his Emperor himself, and will unleash scouts and charioteers until he knows something. He just has to wait. May Xerath delude himself, look at his dirty hands and sanded feathers and he thinks he's won. He really can't end like this.

-The first thing you need to know is that I will no longer allow you to call me Xerath. I spit on the name you gave me. To you I will be My Lord: so you will call me, with the ceremonial speak. Thank me, Azir.

The wretched, filthy… Azir's cheeks are already hot as he grunts a thank you – and they're even hotter a moment later, when he gets a slap that makes him stagger backwards. Azir folds in half, covering his face. That worm hit him under the eyelid, his eye burns like it's about to burst.

-I said thank you, what else is there!-

-Thank you, My Lord.-

A tear trembles in Azir's eye: the Emperor swallows, so hard his beak crackles. -Thank you, My Lord. No more of these slaps, what are they for?-

-This is how you discipline a rebellious servant. Isn't that right, Azir? Your father said so. And don't answer back: for you'll not be allowed to speak unless you are spoken to. You will keep your head down, as a sign of shame and penance, at any time of your day, and when you are in my presence you will cover your head. The less I realize your existence, the more serene my days will be. You will don the tunic you wear, and no other article of clothing will be allowed to you. You deserve me to leave you naked, but I'm forgiving.-

-Thank you, My Lord.- Azir whispers. The slap that follows is so strong that it reopens the blood to the stitches of the right eye. He hiccups. -Ouch, why?-

-Harder. I want to hear your voice, Azir.-

-Thank you, My Lord!- Azir covers his face with his arms, but no more slaps come. What is this man doing to me? There can be no lower humiliation anywhere.

-You will wake up when we tell you, and you will fall asleep the same way. You will have two meals a day, which you will eat without complaining and without asking for more. We will provide you with a round of hourglass to complete your banquet, so I advise you not to waste time on etiquette and court ceremonies. After all, no court could ever want you, filthy as you are. Say thank you.-

-Thank you, My Lord.. Azir speaks aloud, his jaw aching. No slap, this time it's fine for him. He clenches his fists: how he wishes he could cover his ears.

-You will sleep on the sand, like my mother and father, and their mothers and fathers before them. And may you savor their every sob, every ache in their muscles, and every one of their terrified thoughts as they endured what your family forced upon them."

-Xerath, you dream. I don't even know them…-

The slap comes from the right, solid and dry. -I did not know them, My Lord. You hurt me! You can't expect I really…-

Another slap, another one. Azir's face is on fire, he no longer knows where to turn: his knees tremble and give way, the ground approaches. No, not like that… but a moment later he's on his knees, arms crossed in front of his face, sizzling eyes dripping with tears.

It's a bad dream, now I'll wake up.

Azir closes her eyes until the stitches hurt and crouches under his rags. It's just for a while, so I don't get slapped. They will come to rescue their Emperor and it will all be over. While waiting, he will have to endure – and may the name of his Dynasty be not further outraged with manual labor. How come he hates me so much?

-Azir? SO WHAT?-

He sighs, grumbling: his face hot with shame and slaps, his eyes swollen under the scars of the stitches. neck aching as he looks into the eyes of the monster he once called brother. Spit on him, he thinks for a moment. Be imperial.

-Alright, my lord.- he says instead. -I'll do as you wish.-

-So be it,- says Xerath. -You will see that a little suffering will do you good too.-

Azir lowers his eyes, swollen where the stitches have been hit, right eye blinded by the dripping blood. His hands are shaking. He hates himself.

[jediknightjameslunagazer23]

An Spiritual Comfort

Kira gazed up at the unfamiliar presence, despite how scared she was due to suddenly being pulled out of her own paitent room bed into... whatever this weird place was, she suddenly felt a sense of... relief...?

And she could feel a similar feeling of being held by some sort of motherly affection, a feeling she did not have since... since then, could it be--?

"Wh-Who are you...? I-Is what I'm sick with so bad that heaven has sent you as a angel to guide me up where my original family is? A-A-Are you somehow... my mom!?"

The being blinked in surprise and wonderment at the young girl for a moment, then let out a small soothing sort of giggle, the kind of giggle when a mother thought her child was asking a silly question.

"Not quite young one, only that what you're sick with besides from that at present is the loneliness that you feel whenever your adoptive brother isn't with you at times, so I figured you could use some company in the form of comforting spirit of pain relief, which is connected to what your own gift is, though you don't need to understand it right now young Kira Lunagazer."

Now Kira was even more confused! Just what was this... spirit going on about? Gift? She hadn't exactly been given any kind of gift recently, not since being adopted into her brother's family at the least.

"Okay, I'm definitely having some sorta bad dream aren't I? I mean I haven't exactly done much to receive anything as of late, aside from gifting some of my own pranks on others!"

She said that with a hint of pride, as sometime ago, she got a certain blonde-haired nurse to fall for her puppy dog eyes trick when trying to dodge her usual IV injections, unfortunately it didn't work on her partner Doctor who was with her, but he made sure it didn’t hurt quite as much, so she couldn't really be mad about that.

The spirit then giggled again, and then ruffled Kira's hair, causing the young girl to be surprised but also laugh in response, feeling as if this spirit shared her sense of humor and was rewarding her for it.

"I can certainly tell you are very mischievous indeed, not like most I have seen over the many who have come to wield my gift of pain relief, but that's not why I summoned you here, I can sense you're afraid of the big surgery you're about to have in about two days time, am I correct?"

Kira blinked in surprise, amazed that this spirit was somehow able to sense her emotions, but then nodded yes in sadness, holding her arm and looking away as if to try and hide tears from the spirit, but suddenly the spirit embraced her and spoke comfortingly again.

"Do not worry, there is nothing to be afraid of, by the blessing of my husband and I of the stars, the young Asclepiad in charge of your treatment will safely remove your affliction, and you'll be as fit as a sunflower ready to spread joy to others who are suffering just like you are!"

The spirit then looked to Kira who seemed to have calmed down slightly, and now Kira looked a bit curious, given what this spirit seemed to know, she had to ask.

"You mean Big Bro Derek? Are you saying his star power is the same as yours? A-Are you telling me... I have his power too!? H-How can I use it!? Can I use it to cure myself? Is it able to help me seek the answers to those horrible math questions I have on homework!?"

Kira just went on and on with glee and excitement, her eyes shining with wonder at the possibilities, though this was beginning to overwhelm the spirit with how many she asked, she eventually had to put her hand on Kira's lips to get her to stop and slow down!

"I can understand your excitement young one, but unfortunately that isn't what your gift is for or even able to do, besides you can ask these questions when we do meet again properly on your own accord next time."

The young girl blushed a little in embrassment, though she didn't need to give any apologies, somehow she felt the spirit understood and had already forgiven her.

"Now, it seems our time here in the Astral plane is running short, so I'll have to leave soon, but never forget this, even if your brother and his family aren't always present physically, their love and support shall always be with you in spirit no matter how far apart you may become, however if you ever feel lost or alone, call out with your heart and I will heed your call, may the stars of the night light your dreams, Kira Lunagazer."

"W-W-Wait!! Miss uh...Grandma-friendly-spirit!? I don't know your name!!"

The spirit looked in surprise upon hearing how she was addressed, it was just so funny to her she snorted and laughed before composing herself and then smiled warmly at Kira before everything began to fade out, holding Kira one last time as if to let her know she was still there and would always support her.

"You may know me... as Epione."

And with that... everything faded and Kira closed her eyes, falling into a rather peaceful sleep that night.

Just a bit of a one-shot story I kinda came up with on the fly in relation to this art, but yeah kinda wanted to do a Kira meeting Epione as a paitent for the first time and somewhat learning about her powers, though she's probably not certain if it was for real or even a dream to begin with, so yeah she still won't be exactly aware of what her powers do until much later.

So yeah, not much else to say, other than this takes place for in-between period during Chapter 8 of the Trauma Center Fan Manga when Kira's first admitted as a paitent and has to be treated by Derek, I'd figure that even with the support of Derek, Kira would still be a little bit scared of getting operated on for the first time, and it seems it was powerful enough to warrant Epione intervening.

I'll probably cover a full story of how Kira gets sick the first time and the events surrounding that as well as how James takes it, but other than that just kinda also did this to see about getting back into the groove of fanfics.

[albionscastle]

When I had my first child, I was 24, in an abusive marriage with a soldier on an American military base in the south. I was terrified of labor, I had never wanted to have kids, least of all in the situation I was in. I had morning sickness so bad for months that I lost 50 pounds until I was finally given a medication to help. I was just told it was normal. I went into labor in the car with my husband who refused to turn around and instead drove 2 hours to visit someone he was selling shit to in the middle of butt fuck nowhere. Then, two hours back. We went to the military hospital, considering all my pre natal care had been done by men. I wasn't progressing, so they sent me home. Labor fucking hurts, it's miserable. I was 5 minutes apart from the time I went into labor and stayed that way. After another 24 hours, we went back to the hospital. I had been in labor for 36 hours by this point. I still hadn't progressed, so they sent me home with sleeping pills to "sleep through the worst of it." This is NOT normal. At that length of time, a C-section is strongly recommended. In fact, it becomes more dangerous for both the mother and child, with every hour that passes. A help in this situation would have been to give me the drugs that induce labor. But no. No decision about my care was ever discussed with me, only my husband. He was in total control. We got home again, and for the next 12 hours, I lay on the couch in agony. My husband took the pills meant for me and slept. Finally, we went back to the hospital at 60 hours into labor. I thought I was dying. I was given an incredibly painful pelvic exam and told I was still at 4cm. I started screaming, and they finally admitted me to shut me up. Finally, for the first time, I saw the doctor who would deliver. He asked if I wanted something for the pain, and my husband shut him right down. So he waited until he left the room and asked me again, then gave me an epidural. My husband had a fit, but it was too late. Still, a c-section should have been done. It wasn't. I slept for 8 hours and was finally dilated enough to push. They had to break my water, which was so infected it wasn't recognizable. Both my son and I had to be pumped full of antibiotics, and while they worked on him, they left me on the table, half conscious and delirious. It was a brutal, traumatic experience. For my daughter, who I had a midwife for and my now ex nowhere in sight under threat of arrest, I had enough knowledge to plan my labor. At 5 hours, I asked for IV painkillers. At 10 hours, I asked for an epidural. At 14 hours, wide awake, clear and in a good mood, I delivered my daughter. Two completely different experiences. The fact is, always, always get second opinions from professionals, read textbooks, not forums, join a support group if you are able. Never stop asking if this is this right. Is this normal? How will this affect me? 21 years later, and I still suffer from the physical and mental effects of that pregnancy. I've done physical therapy for years, and my uterus is tilted in the wrong direction, which leads to agonizing periods. I have a heart condition as a result of that infection. I still have issues with control and bodily autonomy - I haven't dated since my daughter was born 17 years ago because I can't lose any control of my body or my life. Pregnancy scars you for life on a good day. A bad experience can ruin it.

the thing is like. i get that it's scary and makes people who do desire to get pregnant uncomfortable when we talk about the brutality and violence of pregnancy and the damage that pregnancy can do to your body

but you deserve to give informed consent to that process.

the lies around pregnancy - that it's inherently safe, that it doesn't do you permanent damage, that it's only extremely rare for people to die of pregnancy complications, etc like

all of these are lies constructed so that more people will get pregnant w/o knowing all that

there needs to be more talk about the impact of miscarriages and how common they are, how different abortion processes are and how accessible they are

but also like. talking about how pregnancy fucks your body up should not be taboo

this is a process that permanently changes most people's bodies, and that's even if the pregnancy doesn't do them like. severe illness or injury

and i just think everybody should have a right to KNOW that

bc to live in a society that intentionally obscures and hides facts about a completely optional and dangerous process does so for a reason, and that reason is based in a very sinister ideology that does not value bodily autonomy or informed consent

[fledglingmaster]

Three weeks, three, without my full dose of SNRI.

There needs to be a better way to do this. Every year we are going to go through this all over again because insurance doesn't approve expensive medication for life. No in a year I might just magically be cured of fibromyalgia and my brain decides to work right. *sigh* I have jumped through all the hoops. I have tried every medication that is currently used for fibromyalgia. I have been on multiple antidepressants. It is well documented this is the only medication that helps my depression. Just as it is well documented that I have tried every treatment for migraines except that new thirty minute IV one that's extremely expensive and neuromodulation.

Every year insurance wants the exact same paperwork we sent over to get approved in the first place with. Shouldn't that be on file already? Isn't a doctor saying, "yes, patient responds well to this treatment and we want to continue it," enough? Why is the wait time so long for a medication that has been approved in the past? I can understand all the obstacles while trying to get initial approval. If something cheaper works insurance would rather shell out for that, I get it. But I did my part, I suffered through all those trials, my doctors have done their parts too. Why is this a year occurrence? They don't dispute any of my cheap medication. I'm not the one setting the price of my meds. I would love if the cheap stuff worked! My body is very drug resistant and as I never shut up about, it is wired wrong.

The pharmacy holds my prescription, even if I got some emergency funds out and attempted to pay myself. They won't fill it until they get the okay. They also can't spare you anything to tide you over, I understand that is a legal issue. But that's where there should be a process, one month before the coverage expires, insurance should say, "hey send us those papers." Then while it's processing you still get your next month's worth of meds and bam, you never had any interruption of medication because it's approved before you need your next refill.

I've noticed a shift in our mood lately. Bleu has been getting really down. I've lost track of how many times he's cried the past couple weeks. Today it was out of nowhere. Literally everything was fine and he fell to pieces. Very reminiscent of how we were unmedicated...I don't like that. It's not normal crying, it's full-on sink to the earth wailing and it can last for an hour or more. Worse yet, it happens multiple times a day without a prompt. Not only is it uncomfortable for everyone around, but it seems very harmful to our well-being. This isn't the letting emotions out kind of cry but ramping them up worse. Bleu has alerted me to where he is mentally, it's not great. I'm just glad Lilith is leaving him alone for now. He does not need any ideas. Thankfully I'm grounded enough that I can remind him it's that we're off our meds and this will be fixed soon. It's temporary.

Last night I got a bit dizzy but today...what boat am I on and how do I get off? I'm certain I would come off as intoxicated but what is really happening is neurologic issues and beginning stages of withdrawal. It's difficult to keep my balance, my muscles keep locking up, I'm having brain shocks, we're highly emotional, a mess. I took our normal afternoon dose as our meds should be in tomorrow and we need them. It's clear we can barely function without our medication. I truly believe if we were not put on it when we were we would not be alive currently. I know I shouldn't complain, I have known others that get their meds interrupted every few months. We're lucky it's only once a year. But that gap shouldn't happen to anyone.

[deyanirahayes]

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

[fraener]

6/9/23

things have been rough since my last entry. some things good, some things bad. i performed in portland- i think that happened since then. rosie got sick, h and i have been fighting a bit with each other. its always gentle, always internal, always resolvable, but its been pressing on me lately. im feeling very burnt out. yesterday was the last day of school and today it is raining and i feel like im unspooling a little. we’ve had some 90 degree days here and there, the garden is suffering a bit like me. i met a really strange rose bush that el introduced me to that has a link to the old homestead and really wants to eat meat. big old hawthorn too. lots of old strange magic there. this morning i made my bed and put the spare away, called fen, went to the bakery and half a chevre croissant for breakfast, went to the market and bought the first of the stone fruits. some underripe apricot plum crosses and 2lbs of cherries. the garlic scapes are back now too, and i got myself some tomato and pepper starts for the garden. i also bought myself a really beautiful drinking glass thats pale opallitic glass with a scale pattern and blue dots. i’ve been doing that lately, wanting to only eat and drink off of beautiful things. i recently got myself some millefiori cups too since i missed grandma. im going to take bruces class this summer and try and treat it as something fun rather than school, i might also work for a glass artist on the peninsula.. but im still feeling exhausted. i wish i wasnt such a sucker for overworking myself so severely. ive been feeling troubled at night. last night i woke suddenly in a panic, gasping for air and sightless. i feel worried about going for my cancer screening, i feel worried about next year, i feel worried about the year after. i feel worried about h and our relationship, i feel worried about my ability to hold my own without being alone. i think if we break up i wont date anyone again for a very long time. el seems to have really managed to keep her boundaries clear from the start, i feel like i struggle with that. ive only got one thing to finish up before im done for the year with school but ive been putting it off. ive also got to perform again tomorrow evening. i feel all over the place. i really need some space from everyone and everything. of course i asked my dad if i could come stay in the city for a few days and he gave me a vague and negative answer with a really transparently bullshit excuse that i can really only interpret as him not wanting to see me because im an inconvenience. im feeling a bit rueful towards a lot of things and people at the moment. but there is unspooling with rain, there are cherries again, and i can be happy if i really work hard at it. 

[writinggremlin]

Shit. Found this only 4 minutes after it was posted. The fortune telling from last week hasn't worn off yet apparently lmfao.

This is likely not going to have much reaction from me this time. Sorry in advance! Joined a couple new discord servers and the sudden influx of socialisation has left me a lil spoonless lmao

(Update: I lied, there's a lot lmfao)

YEAH!!! MORE LILY HYPNOSIS LETS FUCKIN GO!!

Awwww platonic intimacy we love to see it.

Lex asked Oliver's permission before picking him up-- my fucking heart-- I love that!!!

Fair enough, Oliver, there's bound to be some betrayal. That makes sense, it's understandable.

"I will do it this time, or perish trying. I swear it." For realsies this time? You mean it? You're sure it'll work? I see we are far from seeing the last of wet cat Lex lmao

Oliver gets treats!! :D!! He gets a lil treat for his troubles! (And then Lex can also have a lil treat for his struggles too! :D! Yippee!!!)

FITZ!!!! FITZ MENTION!!! OH BOY IVE BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING FOR THAT!!!! WHEN YOU SAID SOON I DIDN'T THINK YOU MEANT THAT SOON!!! WE GET A LIL TREAT FOR OUR SUFFERING TOO YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!! :D!!!

"With everything that had happened lately, Oliver had nearly forgotten about his master's friend, [...]" same Oliver, ngl. I remembered that part of the plot back in April, and have been excitedly awaiting the moment of his arrival ever since. His grand entrance shall be entirely worth the wait, I'm sure djsbsjbsjsba

SCREAMING AT THE THOUGHT OF FITZ DRINKING FROM OLIVER-- THIS POOR GUY JUST MELTING-- HIS MIND BECOMING A MUSHY PUTTY IN FITZ'S HANDS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I NEED IT I CANT FUCKING WAIT FOR THIS!!!!!!

✨Lovers✨ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sorry, I had to. They're cute.

Awwww I can see Fitz occasionally using the connection with Lex, complaining and ranting about how dreadful this voyage is, and how much he hates being on the ocean and how he can't wait to finally be on land again. Maybe even being like "Can we please just kill your sire already so that I never have to put myself through these horrors again?"

Lex and social skills? You're saying that about Mr. "Excruciating horrors of mingling" over here?? lmaoooo

Their banter is cute tho. I love it.

OH DAMN OK WE'RE STRAIGHT INTO THIS-- ALSO DELICIOUS SOUP CONFIRMED LETS GO!!!!

WOAH WOAH WOAH WAIT WHAT-- wait-- is this a guided meditation thing? Is this her helping him undo it?? Is he not actually there and this is just in Oliver's mind? I have a sneaking suspicion.

Yep. It's just in his head. Good. I wonder what's actually happening in reality though. Did Lily hypothesize him to make him believe that she was the Maestro? If so then oof to her for having to relive some of that. Couldn't have felt nice roleplaying as someone who's deeply traumatized you.

YEP THERE WE GO ITS CONFIRMED THAT IT WAS JUST IN HIS HEAD! PHEW!!!

The way my stomach dropped at first tho lmfao

Also I was correct she did make him think that she was the Maestro lookit me go! But yeah that probably sucked for both of them.

AWWWW SHE COMFORT HIM YESSSSS AAAAAA

CAT!!!! CAT!!!! CAT ALERT!!!! AND HER NAME IS LUNA!!! YES OLIVER SCRITCH THE ADORABLE FLOOF YESSSSSS!!!!! NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER UNLOCKED!!! MOVE ASIDE FITZ THERES A NEW STAR OF THIS SHOW!!!!! (/j I love you Fitz you will always be the true star)

"She was done up in the latest fashions," Jessica? "and had a scrawny looking man on a leash" Yep. Jessica.

JSBSJDBSJS LEX IS JUST LIKE "I am in hell :D! Please help me :D!" ...mood.

Oh damn now Oliver gets to witness what he looked like at the start of all of this. Damn. He's come a long way.

OUGH-- HE'S FULLY ON THE VAMPIRE'S SIDE NOW HOLY DAMN-- OUGH-- THATS A REALITY CHECK MOMENT RIGHT THERE-- DAMN!!!!

It gives the vibes of Quinn at the end of Corporate Retreat. I love that.

"[...] the sky filled with a thousand brilliant stars." Ugh. Lucky. Why'd I have to be born in the era of light pollution, huh? That's not fair.

AWWWW THEY GET A WALK!!!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! THEY'RE SO ADORABLE FUCK--

OH I AM SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEK THAT SOUNDS SPECTACULAR!!! Sounds like there might be some ✨shenanigans✨

FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FOTZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FIZT FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FUTZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FIGZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FUTZ FITZ FIGZ FITZ ZFIT ZFITZ FITZ FUTZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ F--

The Rare Bookseller Part 55: Lily's Illusion

Previous > Masterlist

tw: blindness, conditioning, hypnosis, body control, abuse, aftermath of hand whump

October 1925

Oliver's sleep was troubled, filled with nightmares where he couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything to make his body obey him. Alexander's sire was shoving him below the waves, drowning him while he was helpless. Alexander was being tied up and tortured, and there was nothing Oliver could do for his master but watch, and --

He woke up in a cold sweat, heart pounding too fast. It was pitch black, and despite being wide awake and terrified, he couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't see where he was, couldn't remember, and cold hands came out of nowhere to grip him tight. In a panic, he screamed, kicking his assailant and struggling out of his grasp, thick blankets impeding his escape.

"Oliver!" said a familiar voice. "Oliver, it's only me. You're safe."

His master. That's where he was -- in his master's bedchambers, in his master's arms. He took a deep breath, trying to expel the fear from his body. He was safe, even though he still couldn't open his eyes.

Alexander gently pulled him in closer, and Oliver accepted it, relaxing back onto the bed. "Sorry, sir."

"No need to apologize. I understand completely. My sleep has also been uneasy, although much improved by your presence," he said. "Are you still blinded?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then we should head to Lily's as soon as you're ready," he said. "Although I suppose I'll have to help you dress and wash."

Oliver's face flushed. "Ah, I'm sure I can manage, sir…"

"Manage with your eyes closed? I won't have you falling down the stairs and harming yourself," he said with a tone that brooked no argument. "I'm going to pick you up now, all right?"

And Oliver felt himself being lifted by unnaturally strong arms, floating through the air with only his master as his tether to the world. Alexander seemed to sense his distress, as he hummed a tune under his breath as they walked, one that made Oliver's tense muscles relax. Despite that, the sensation of going down the stairs was still disconcerting.

"If you drop me off at the door to the bathroom, sir, I can take care of my business," said Oliver, hoping to retain some dignity.

"Very well, but I'm going to tend to your wounds afterwards. I need to make sure they're clean."

Oliver thankfully knew the layout of the bathroom well enough to find the toilet and sink, embarrassed at needing so much aid from his master and already quite tired of groping around in the dark. When he was finished, Alexander entered, removing his shirt to look at his back.

"It's terribly bruised, but the few cuts are shallow," Alexander murmured, applying some cool salve. "…You must think I'm a terrible coward for accepting my sire's command to strike you, rather than standing up to him."

"I don't, sir," he said, and it was almost true. "If you had tried, I don't doubt it would have been worse for both of us." He did know that, but in his heart, he wished that his master had protected him.

"There's only one way I can truly protect you," said Alexander, as though he had read Oliver's mind. "I need to kill him. It's easier said than done, of course, but… I will do it this time, or perish trying. I swear it."

Oliver didn't have to wonder what would happen to him in the entirely possible event that his master did perish trying. He'd no doubt end up in the hands of Alexander's sire, perhaps permanently, and the thought almost made him want to plead with Alexander not to try.

Instead, he shoved that unpleasant thought from his mind as best he could. "Will Miss Lily really be able to undo my punishment, sir?"

"I'm sure she will. Her mastery when it comes to controlling the human mind is unparalleled," he said. "And for enduring these latest hardships, I'll also make sure the pantry and icebox are well-stocked with whatever foods you favor. Anything you need."

"I appreciate it, sir."

"And the night after next, my dear friend Fitz arrives from overseas."

With everything that had happened lately, Oliver had nearly forgotten about his master's friend, and he was gripped by a wave of dread at the thought of another visiting vampire. "Is there anything I should know, sir, to better serve your friend?" he said, trying to feel out the situation.

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that. Just be your usual self, and I'm sure he'll just adore you. He's been after me to get a decent thrall for ages, you know," said Alexander. "Just be patient with him, give us space when we ask for it, and -- oh, I'm sure he'll want to drink from you."

The place where the Maestro had dug his fangs into Oliver's neck throbbed with pain. "He will, sir?" said Oliver reluctantly.

"It won't be painful!" his master reassured him quickly. "Fitz is nothing like my sire. His feeding will be as gentle as mine. He won't harm you, I swear it."

"I'm glad of that, sir," said Oliver, who still couldn't quite calm his anxiety.

"It probably won't surprise you to learn that my sire is the reason Fitz fled this city and resides overseas," said Alexander. "When my sire is finally dusted, he'll return to me. He'll come live in the manor with his thrall, and we'll be together at last."

Oliver had never heard his master sound so wistful. "He must be very important to you, sir."

"I suppose you would figure out sooner or later that we're old lovers. Fitz certainly won't make a secret of it."

"Lovers?" He was sure he was unable to hide the surprise on his face. "I didn't realize you had any lovers, sir."

"I confess that it's often a painful subject for me. Less so when I know he's on a boat heading over the Atlantic at this very moment. We share a bond, you see, and I can tell by how miserable he is -- he's always been especially prone to seasickness," said Alexander fondly. "But as much as I'd like to spend the evening pining fruitlessly, we really should get to Lily's as early as we can, lest she head out for the night before we can consult her. I'll guide you to the bedroom and help you put on the clothes I've chosen for you."

Oliver let himself be guided without a fuss, still loathing the fact that he was so helpless that he wasn't even able to choose his own clothes. If Miss Lily couldn't help him, if he had to resign himself to weeks of blindness and lose even more of his remaining autonomy to his master, unable to even indulge in the simple joy of reading, he wasn't sure he could endure it.

Soon enough, they were stepping out into the chill fall evening, Alexander keeping a firm arm around Oliver to guide him through the streets. It was distressing to be able to hear other pedestrians on the sidewalk, to feel the uneven stones under his feet, without being able to open his eyes and see anything. He was entirely reliant on his master to navigate the familiar city, and if Alexander let go, Oliver would be immediately lost and helpless. Thankfully, he clung to Oliver tightly.

"We're here," said Alexander. "There are four steps in front of you - let me help you up them."

Oliver heard a loud knocking, then footsteps and a door creaking open.

"Oh, Lex!" said a familiar voice. "I thought you were my 9pm appointment arriving early. And what on earth happened to your hand?"

"Our sire's handiwork, of course. Are you taking customers today?" asked Alexander. "I hope you have some time to help us. It's a bit of an emergency."

"Come in, come in," said Lily, and Oliver felt himself being gently nudged forward into a very warm room. "You know very well I'll make the time, but I'd rather get started right away. I assume our sire has done something to Oliver?"

Alexander's hands rested on Oliver's shoulders. "He commanded Oliver to keep his eyes closed and now he can't open them. My poor thrall is quite blind."

"Oh, dear," she sighed. "That's a surprisingly mild punishment from him, though. He must have approved of Oliver."

"Oliver comported himself magnificently. The very picture of an ideal thrall," said Alexander, and Oliver's heart felt warm from the praise. "Another reason why he deserves to have his sight restored as soon as possible."

"Let me see." Oliver felt soft hands touch his face. "Oliver, dear, what did he tell you as he was forcing your eyes to close? The exact phrasing, if you can."

Oliver's memories felt muddled and hazy from fear and enthrallment, but he could remember that. "He told me he was placing lead weights on my eyes, sir, that they're too heavy for me to lift, and that he is the only one who can move them."

"All right. I believe I can work with that. Come with me. Lex, you stay out here, and if my 9pm arrives, try to keep her occupied with your sparkling wit and impeccable social skills."

"You can't be serious about that."

"Leaving your manor and socializing sometimes is good for you," she said, as she touched a hand to Oliver's back and pushed him along.

Oliver heard a door close behind him.

"Can you sit down, dear?"

She took his hand and placed it on the seat of a chair, and Oliver sat, sinking into the soft leather. He realized that the chair was awfully familiar -- the twin of the chair in Miss Lily's room at the auction house. The association caused his mind to fog and he couldn't keep from letting out a yawn, already three quarters of the way to trance.

"You remember, don't you?" said Lily, as she ran fingers through his hair and down his cheek. "So obedient, so docile. So sleepy. And so very, very quiet."

Oliver was utterly helpless against the tide of hypnosis gripping his mind. His head lolled backwards as he let out a soft groan. With his eyes already closed tight, it felt natural for sleep to wash over him.

"Quiet, Oliver, you're so quiet. You're sinking back down under my power now. You're completely safe with me. Safe for you to fall asleep, fall deep asleep. You're so drowsy, aren't you? A quiet, docile boy like you just wants to sleep and listen…"

She kept murmuring to him, but Oliver was already out like a light, quiet and sleepy and dreaming. After the terror of the previous night, it was so good to sleep so soundly, comfortable and content. Oliver felt like he could float in this pleasant dream forever.

That is, until he heard footsteps. Footsteps which did not belong to Lily or his master. Footsteps that were oddly light and perfectly in rhythm.

No, it couldn't be. That was impossible. There was no way that he was here --

But he could feel it already, the hold over his body, the feeling that his flesh and bones no longer belonged to him. He wasn't being manipulated, not yet, but he could sense it all around. He was here and in control, and Oliver could barely think through the numbing terror that gripped him.

"Wake up," said the musical voice of Alexander's sire, followed by a crisp snap. "I don't recall allowing you to sleep."

"I'm sorry, sir! I didn't mean to fall asleep." Oliver felt himself forced out of the chair and into a kneel, his back ramrod straight and his sweating hands clasped behind him. He couldn't budge an inch, and although he still couldn't open his eyes, he could feel that icy gaze boring into him.

"I don't understand why you think that disobedience out of poor self control is better than disobedience on purpose. Disobedience is disobedience."

"Yes, sir," said Oliver, trembling, waiting for a slap across his still tender cheek.

"I suppose, though, if you're to have any use as a servant, you'll need to have your eyes open, lest I have to puppet your wretched form everywhere," he said. "I will remove the weights on your eyes, and you will be appropriately grateful, and then you will serve me however I please."

Oliver swallowed nervously, dreading what the Maestro had in store for him. "Thank you very much for allowing me to serve you, sir."

"I will lift the heavy weight off each of your eyelids," he said, and Oliver felt something brush over his eyes, "and then you will graciously be allowed to open them on your own."

Despite being so eager to be cured earlier, Oliver was reluctant to open his eyes now, not wanting to face Alexander's sire once again, not understanding how he came to be here. But he had no choice. He opened his eyes…

…and there was Miss Lily standing before him.

He looked around in a panic. The Maestro was nowhere to be found, a phantom conjured by his own imagination and Miss Lily's mesmerism. "You…"

"He was the only one who could remove the command. I had to make your mind believe that I was him," she said. "I'm sorry for giving you such a fright, but it was the easiest way to undo what was done."

Oliver's heart was still pounding, unable to calm. "Yes, sir… thank you…"

"Poor dear, you're trembling like a leaf. Let me soothe you before sending you back to your master," she said. "Quiet now, Oliver. Quiet your frightened mind. You're safe here. It's only me."

"It's only you, sir…" said Oliver, sinking back into a merciful daze.

"That's right, and I take such good care of you, don't I?" she said with a smile. "You can relax now. Deep breaths, Oliver dear, deep breaths. Let all that tension out. Let that fear fade away. Let your mind be so, so quiet."

Oliver followed her instructions, taking deep breaths, and soon he did feel calmer, the terror of the hypnotic illusion fading. It was only a dream, one which could fade away into the obedient quiet of his enthralled mind.

"Lex is always singing your praises when he talks to me, you know," said Lily. "You're an absolute natural at serving a vampire, just as I knew you would be. Doesn't it make you feel good to serve Lex?"

It was both question and command, reinforcing his conditioning, and Oliver fell into it easily. "I very much enjoy serving Lex, sir."

"Of course you do, sweet boy. You've been so brave, and you deserve to feel good." She patted Oliver on the head one last time. "Now, if you're feeling better, why don't I return you to your master?"

"Yes, sir," said Oliver, feeling like a weight had been lifted from more than his eyes.

They left the stark conditioning room and stepped out into Miss Lily's home, which was done up very differently from Alexander's, filled with bright colors, fussy details, and homespun knick-knacks. A fat black cat ran up to Miss Lily and began winding around her ankles, and she scooped it up and gave it a kiss on the head. "This is Luna," she said. "Her brother Sunny is probably off on Miriam's lap."

"Hello, Luna," said Oliver, giving her a scritch.

As they walked down the hallway, Oliver could hear a steady stream of excited patter. "…and then I told him, is that really an appropriate place to take a lady on a date? And you know what he said? He said, well, they hardly ever hold horse racing at night, so I thought you'd like to see it. And I said, I can't see a blessed thing even with a vampire's eyesight. And then --"

They entered the parlor, where Alexander was sitting on a frilly gingham couch and nodding politely to everything a young woman was saying. She was done up in the latest fashions, and had a scrawny-looking man on a leash, kneeling at her feet. He looked at Oliver with fear in his eyes, pleading, as though there were anything Oliver could do.

"Ah, you had an appointment for 9pm, I believe?" said Miss Lily to the woman. "I appreciate your patience. I had an emergency job, but I'm free to take your thrall to the conditioning room now."

"Oh, it's no trouble at all!" she chirped. "I've been having a lovely time with Lord Alexander here." She stood up and handed the man's leash over to Miss Lily. "Just a thorough reconditioning for obedience and contentment, please. The place I bought him from did such an awful job -- you can see how distressed he is, and you should see the faces he pulls when it's time to feed. He's already escaped twice and I had to waste so much time tracking him."

"Of course, it's my pleasure," she said.

"No…" The thrall was backing away from Miss Lily, practically choking himself with his own leash. "No, please…"

Miss Lily knelt down and pet his head like one would a dog. "It's all right, dear, you'll see. Why don't you just relax? Just relax. Calm and peaceful, okay? I'm not gong to hurt you. Everything's going to be okay."

Oliver watched in fascination as the fear bled away from the thrall's expression, his eyes fixed on Miss Lily's and becoming glassy and dazed. He couldn't help but wonder if he wore a similar expression when he was under Miss Lily's spell.

"That's a good dear. So relaxed and at ease," she cooed. "You're going to feel so much better after you've had a session with me, I promise."

The thrall glanced up at Oliver, as if looking for some kind of confirmation. Oliver remembered how terrified he was the first time he had gone in for conditioning. "She's right," he said with a smile. "It's not scary at all, it's just like having a really good sleep, and you'll feel great afterwards."

"See?" said Miss Lily. "There's nothing to be scared of." She turned to Lex. "Sorry I can't stay around and chat, but I should get started on this session."

"Of course. We'll take our leave, and call on you another night," he said. "Oh, and Lily, before I go -- are you free on Friday night? Fitz will be in town, and I was hoping we could all go to the Tiger's Eye."

"Ooh, I wouldn't miss it," she said. She stood and ruffled Oliver's hair. "You'll be a good boy for our dear friend Fitz, won't you?"

"Yes, Miss Lily."

"Then I'll see you two soon enough, I'm sure. Have a good evening!"

"Are you feeling better?" Alexander asked as they stepped back out into the cool night air. "You're certainly looking much better."

"Yes, much better, sir. Thank you very much for taking me to Miss Lily," Oliver said. Now that he could see once again, he could see that the night was clear, the sky filled with a thousand brilliant stars. "Do you think we could go for a walk before returning home, sir? I could use the fresh air."

"I think that's a splendid idea," said Alexander, wrapping his arm around Oliver's once more.

Oliver saw the thick wad of bandages wrapped around his master's hand, and quite against his will he remembered the sickening smell of burnt flesh in the air. "Sir, your hand…"

"I've told you before that it will heal, but I appreciate your concern for me," said his master with a warm smile. "Your health and company is all the balm I need to soothe my pains tonight."

Thanks to Miss Lily, he was so obedient, so eager to please. "I'm glad that I can be helpful to you, sir."

"Always, Oliver. Don't doubt it for a minute."

Previous > Masterlist

I always enjoy writing Lily! Next week, the beginning of a three-parter involving a masquerade ball and Fitz's very impulsive decisions.

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[lumnius-a]

[notabled-noodle]

So ive done some thinking about ADHD

And ik this isn't a diagnostic trait

But I've heard lots of psychologists and psychiatrists and even diagnosed people, mention how adhd people keep on making the same mistakes over and over again cuz they "forget" the outcome that they've witnessed every single time

At first when i started wondering whether i had ADHD or not, that didnt sound like me. Im an anxious person, I triple check whatever I'm gonna do before I do it . Odering food online?? I reread the ingredients and the order 4 times before pressing order. Going to use the bus? I check the time schedule over and over even tho ik i cant have seen the wrong timethe 5 times i checked and rechecked it. So basically I usually leave no room for myself to make mistakes and If i make one I take it hard and never ever make it...

Or so i thought.

The respective mistakes that I make dont affect others. Thats the difference. No one else can spot them other than me. Cuz they don't change anyone's day, mood etc

I think that some subtle mistakes that people with adhd could be repeating are:

Sleeping. Every single day, I promise myself to sleep early to atleast get 8 hours of sleep. And every single night I forget my promise and I just end up finding myself thrown in a crazy rabbit hole in the midst of the night and going to sleep real late and getting barely 5 hours of sleep. Do i understand that its a mistake? Yeah. But do I at the moment forget the outcome? Also yeah.

Doing chores such as laundry, the dishes etc. These tasks are the hell of a neurodivergent person whether its due to a sensory issue, procrastination, the task being too boring? Who knows depends on the person. Often times i find my laundry and dishes piling up and i find myself scared of begining. I make excuses, I give myself a hard time cuz if I have time for washing the dishes then I have time to work/study etc. And yet every single time when i get the motivation and energy to do the dishes...i finish quite fast?? And i always regret not washing them?? Like no matter how many times i do the dishes i always end up convincing myself its some huge hard mission that needs total focua and total lack of responsibiliies

Now Idk if all what i said makes sense. Ive barely known about adhd for a year now. I read up on it to understand a friend whom said they believed to have it..and oh god did i hesitate about it in the beginning. But I did a lot of research and ive related to lots of stuff before deciding on self diagnosing. The main problem was that my symptoms presented subtly and it was hard for me to distinguish them.

I'm sending you this long ask cuz I know how knowledgeable you are on this topic and also because I read all of your posts and find myself agreeing with them

Do you think that these traits could be associated with adhd? Also what other times do you believe people with ADHD end up forgetting about an experience they would have learned about quiet fast were they neurotypical?

yeah, this often comes down to impulsivity, short-term memory problems, and not necessarily being able to think about things in a “cause and effect” way.

the anxiety and the desire to check, double-check, and triple-check everything can come as a direct result of years of being punished for impulsivity. over time, people with ADHD can learn what actions have a negative effect on others, and alter their behaviour to suit. it can be a lot harder to do this when you’re the only one suffering the consequences — you need a lot more self-control as opposed to externally enforced rules and boundaries.

in my experience, people with ADHD seem to be fairly good at breaking things down into past self, present self, and future self. the problem is that we see the future self as a completely different person to the present self. i.e. thinking “I’ll be able to do this tomorrow”, despite having no evidence that you’ll magically be able to learn those skills in 24 hours time.

the examples you included were pretty good! other instances of this could be:

procrastinating hygiene related things, even if you have the energy to do them right now — giving your future self those responsibilities because you’d rather be doing something else right now

quitting a bad habit or starting up a new one — you may want to reduce your screen time, but right now you also really want to see that new YouTube video and oh well, might as well start being good about it tomorrow

generally building tasks up in your head to be harder than they actually are, which then causes the tasks to build up, which makes them even harder than they would’ve been if you’d just done it straight away (a vicious cycle)

in behavioural economics, you’d say that someone with ADHD has intense “future discounting”. that is, we predict that the suffering of tomorrow will be less than the suffering of today. and we also predict that the joy of today will be reduced if we saved that joy until tomorrow. it can be challenging for someone with ADHD to process the concept of “delayed gratification”, because we can’t accurately imagine the reality of our future selves.

I hope this answered your question, and that it helped!